Long time no post. Suddenly had the urge to just vent everything out. I'm really on the verge of breaking down or should i say, I've already broken down and am now going to reach the bottom of the bottomless pit... I've lost the motivation to do anything. I just want to lie somewhere and stare at the ceiling for 72 hours. But for 72 hours, 72 consecutive hours, i don't even get that during the holidays that is coming up, i suppose. I really hate growing up. Suddenly feel that everything is dumped on me. I really missed the feeling when the future is not in my own hands but when my parents craft the route for me to take. But now I'm exploring into an unfamiliar terrain and no one understands. No one can help me. Just say the word "stress" in front of me and I'll break. I'll crack... I really don't know why I'm working so hard for. When at this place where the sense of belonging is absent, I'm seen as shit and nothing else. I'm in the "lower class", the less valued group. I once told myself that I'm going to prove them wrong. But a lot of things are not within my control. The system is so rigid and my future, due to the meaningless system, has already been affected. I want to turn back time... To the past where i do not always have to worry about my future. I want to really go for things due to interest and passion, not for portfolio. I want to enjoy what I'm learning. Yet, i want to be the best. They just can't happen simultaneously, i guess... life's scary. People are scary. I hate HIM. HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM. Yes, HIM... help me... can i really find time to complete all these stuff? but whenever i'm reaching completion, more gets poured onto me. I wonder. If i reach home at 10 pm like thrice a week. And say get settle down by 10.30. The most i can do is to stay awake and effectively studying till 12 because the day at school is really tiring. Then on the days when im back in the afternoon, i always tell myself that i deserve a break. Yes i deserve it. But i haven't finished my stuff... Sometimes i really feel like screaming. i dunno what i want. One moment i think i would like to enjoy life and relax first cause i've worked too hard. Next moment I'm feeling guilty all over because i think i've not worked hard enough. every night, when i'm tired, i tell myself : time to sleep. My body needs rests. But by the next morning, I'll be utterly blaming myself for sleeping at 12 am instead of 4 am because i could have completed a lot. I always plan ahead but i always cannot get the things i want done. Then whats the use of planning in the first place? I was never like that in BP... I miss BP... I miss my childhood. I miss those good old days... should i just give up on everything and move on to a simpler place? or should i hang on and bear with it, coming out 2 years later, only to find out that there's lots more people out there who are greater than me. Should i just accept my fate? shouldn't i just accept the fact that I'm dumb? that i can never be in the top group anymore? Should i just stop this nightmare and lead a blank life? or should i continue this nightmare, to upgrade to a dream, but followed by a nightmare again? Either way, there will never be a long-lasting dream. How i wish to just stay home and be in my parents arms. To cuddle into their hugs and just be innocent and not know thats going on in the world... Its not just school life thats taxing... At home, though things may be slightly better but it still add on troubles... How i wish she could see the light soon. How i wish she would not end up like me. How i wish i could do something for her. But i can't. I no longer have the time. And i no longer have the patience like i used to. With a busy life, I've neglected her. I stopped reminding her to study hard. I stopped reminding her to drink more water. I stopped reminding her to sleep early. I'm a lousy sister. I hope what I've done will not cause major impacts on her.

Life's boring. Especially in such a sucky school where the system is so rigid and the school spirit is low. I miss BP... I miss the old self...